Home

It is currently 10:13pm, on a Sunday night, the kids have gone off to bed, Z has retired to his game room, and here I am, finally getting to eat tonight's dinner. Z made a delicious spaghetti bolognese, and I thoroughly enjoyed a cooking free night.

As I look around my house, everything in place, clean, in order, I can't help but find myself wondering when it will begin turning into home.

That four letter word..so meaningful, yet causes me to really start thinking. Call it a late night existential crisis, but I find myself furiously typing away trying to find the right words to express Home. 

In the Military, the famous saying is "Home is where the Military sends you", but I haven't exactly felt that way. We have been at two bases so far, Andersen, didn't feel like home, it felt like a pit stop, a place we laid our heads till we came home. I kept waiting for that to change, waiting for the magical "Home" feeling. Sadly it never came. In Louisiana we have been here for a year already, and the moment our feet touched the soil here, it felt different. The people, the places the overwhelming comfort of this place, made me feel like maybe, just maybe we would find our "home".

There are moments, glimpses into that feeling for me, for Z it is "home", but I can't get New York out of my head or my heart. New York born and raised, the love I have for it, is still strong after nearly three years of living away from it. My family is there, and what felt like the life that I had formed my identity around, is still hustling and bustling among the streets of Long Island. 

My Family, Z's Family, they have missed our wedding, the birth of our first son, birthdays, and holidays, in the sense of being physically absent. We were lucky enough that Grandma A was here to help me in my last days of Baby G's pregnancy and welcomed him into the world with us. There was nothing more special then having family here for that moment. Which has made me understand how much I long to be surrounded by family again. My sister, lives in New York with her husband and daughter, who is only a few months younger then L, and as much as I talk to her, it will never be the same as being able to sit in her living room and watch our kids play together.

To be able to have my children form a stronger bond with my parents, play with their adventurous Pop, and get attacked with kisses by their Aunt K, is everything I ever wanted. 

Unfortunately that isn't the life we lead, We have Skype based relationships, and are blessed when Z's family can travel to see us. We save the big moments now for when we can make it back to New York, like to baptize the kids, or to finally have that reception we have been planning. Not to say that I don't appreciate the love and support our long distance family relationships provide, but I can honestly say I miss the face to face interaction. 

All and All, I enjoy the life we have, I love the man, and the children I was blessed with. I just can't help my heart wanting more, more of our family, more of our New York. 

So I will make the best of things, continue to work on this house, and my heart until I finally feel home. 

-S